Read this before you look for a list
We do not publish a checklist of signs.
Almost every organisation in this field publishes one. We think the checklist format does more harm than good, and we want to explain why rather than just leave a gap where you expected one.
What is wrong with a list of warning signs
- Every item on it is also ordinary. Bedwetting, nightmares, clinginess, withdrawal, anger, secrecy and stomach aches are all things that happen to children for dozens of reasons.
- It invites arithmetic. People start counting items, and a count feels like evidence. It is not.
- It runs both ways. An adult who scores a child as three out of twelve can talk themselves into a conclusion — or out of one.
- It shifts the adult's job. The moment you have a list, you start assessing the child instead of responding to them.
No single phrase or behaviour proves sexual abuse. Concerning communication should prompt calm attention, protection and appropriate professional guidance — not amateur conclusions.
What to attend to instead
Not a set of symptoms. A change, and a mismatch.
- A change you cannot account for. Something is different, and the usual explanations do not fit.
- A mismatch between the words and the weight. A small sentence, delivered with more feeling than it should carry.
- Avoidance with no reason attached. A place, a routine or a person the child will not go near and cannot explain.
- Knowledge that has to have come from somewhere. Language or detail that is out of range for the child's age.
- Something said once, sideways, and then dropped. Disclosures are often partial, indirect and abandoned mid-sentence.
None of these is proof. All of them are reasons to stay attentive, keep the door open, and stop looking for a reason to be reassured.
If you have noticed something
The response is the same regardless of what you noticed. Go to the four steps.